To the Editor:
Well, the credit card scheme didn't pan out, and the insurance scam went kaput, but that doesn't mean that I have stopped attempting to find ways to help make my standard of living better.
After careful research, I have come up with a sure fire way to supplement my retirement funds. And the good part is that I'm going to share it with you folks. In the near future, any of you who wish to improve your financial situation will be afforded the opportunity to become part of a business proposition that can't miss. All you'll have to do is invest a bit of money and then wait for the dividends to come rolling in.
During the months of November, December and January, circuses in America stop touring the country and move to Florida to spend the winter. I traveled there and talked to a number of owners of those circuses. In the process, I purchased six lions, six tigers and six grizzly bears.
An agreement was also reached to let me purchase more when the need arose. Those critters are costly, hence the need for me to offer share of stock in my little adventure.
I have also made a down payment on a large section of land on the outskirts of Dixfield. On the land will be built a large circular building that will accommodate 100,000 people. You might be thinking, "Why in the world would anyone construct a building that large in a small town like Dixfield?"
The answer is simple. I'm going to build a Coliseum like those in ancient Rome and stage contests between my newly purchased animals and modern day gladiators.
See, I figure that of the approximately 300,000,000 Americans, many of them loved violence so much that they weren't content with our regular form of boxing, so someone came up with Cage Fighting. Not being satisfied with regular punches to the head and trunk of an opponent that are found in boxing, Cage Fighting enthusiasts can now view two men wrestling, gauging, punching, kicking, butting and doing other brutal things to an opponent.
Looking at what has happened to the world of fisticuffs, I realized that in America's insatiable desire for more and better ways to maim someone, and that blood and guts becomes an aphrodisiac for many people, what better way to do that then with gradiators and animals. If it was good enough for the Romas, then it should be good enough for Americans.
Can't you just picture it. My coliseum packed with 100,000 roaring spectators as the lions, tigers, grizzlies and gladiators tear at each other. Cage Fighting, what a sissy sport.
Those that love seeing blood spilled will be in plasma heaven. And to make sure that those with blood lust don't get bored, every other week will feature gladiators against gladiators. Think of the thrill that will run through a spectator's body when a vanquished gladiator, lying on his back, awaits a thumbs up or thumbs down from those who paid a $100 admission fee to occupy the cheap seats in the back rows.
And the gladiator on his back might be your next door neighbor, the one who is constantly calling the gendarmes because of your barking dog. Revenge is sweet. I am going to get rich, so rich that I will be able to stop drinking out of lead lined cups.
I can foresee a problem arising when I start running out of lions, tigers and grizzlies, but I believe I can solve that by substituting coyotes for lions, coy dogs for tigers and black bears for grizzlies.
By the time I have to begin making those substitutions, the patrons of the coliseum will be so inundated with a blood and guts mentality that it won't matter where the blood and guts come from. And there will never be a shortage of gladiators as our country runs amuck with macho men.
Well folks, there you have it. Your chance to get in on the ground floor of an opportunity that can't miss. Looking to the future, another idea that I'm mulling over is paint ball with real bullets.