Credit card euphoria

To the Editor:

I don't know about you, but I find it tiresome constantly receiving credit card applications in the mail.

Being a pragmatist, when I am confronted with a problem, I look at all of the possible ways to solve whatever is vexing me, so after looking at a number of ways to stop this deluge, I have decided to do the following.

From now on, whenever I receive an offer in the mail informing me that I am eligible for a $5,000, $10,000 or $15,000 line of credit, I am going to fill out the application and send it in. I will continue to send in applications until I receive 30 of those wonderful pieces of plastic.

Once the magic number of 30 is reached, I'll find someone who wants to purchase a big ticket item. I'll buy that item and then sell it to the person for 75 percent of its value. That money will be socked away in a stainless steel container and buried at a secret location.

Systematically, every one of my credit cards will be maxed out purchasing something and then selling those purchases for 75 percent of their value to opportunists looking for a good deal. Once the cards are maxed out and their payments become due, I'll ignore the payments.

At the same time that I begin this task, I will liquidate every single asset that I possess. First, I'll sell my house, and with the selling of my home, I have a monster yard sale to dispose of all of my worldly possessions except for the barest necessities.

Then I'll move into the cheapest furnished apartment that I can find. The huge chunk of money realized from those sales will also go into my "vault." Next, my car will go down the road to be replaced by a $500 junker.

Finally, I'll empty every account of mine that involves money: checking account, savings, 401K, retirement stipends, stocks, piggy banks, everything. I'll probably have to buy an extra large SSC as the amount of cash that I'll be stuffing into it will fill it up fast.

Then, I'll wait for the fun the begin. How long will it take until missed payments, plus interest, become so large that the credit card companies start sending "friendly" warning notices? Those initial notices will be followed by letters a bit more harsh advising me that my credit rating is in jeopardy. Should I care?

Letter after letter will follow. Finally, threats of legal action will arrive.

At that point in time, I'd have two options that I could pursue. I could tell them to take me to court and let one of them end up with my 1938 Studebaker, or I could contact one of those companies on TV that guarantee to help folks reduce their credit card debt for a fraction that is owed and go that route. Decisions, decisions, decisions. What to do?

I believe I'd go with option one. Why not? Even though the total sum of money I would have swin..., I mean, procured, from those companies would be huge, each of their individual losses would be minimal, and after a bit of threatening, bullying and menacing, they'd realize that further intimidation would be futile, so they wouldn't want to waste any more time and energy on that deadbeat from the Valley.

Besides, their profit margins are so high they accept some delinquency from their card holders, and they know that there are going to be times when they will have to cease and desist from chasing money that is never going to appear.

It's not as if the paltry few thousands dollars that each of them would be contributing to my fiscal well being would bankrupt them. And, I never wrote to them asking for an application, so basically, they're more at fault that I would be for the financial predicament they'd find themselves in.

Also, I'd be doing them a favor, sort of, by introducing them to another scam that they could be looking out for when you folks reading this emulate this unique plan. Sorry, first come, first served.

Well, there you have it. My plan to get the credit card companies to stop sending me applications will be succuessful in two ways; the applications will stop coming after my plan is successful, and my strong box will be filled with retirement dollars. The only thing that worries me is that I might get a hernia lifting the strong box.

P.S. I sorry to report that my home and auto insurance is still $1,357.28.

P.P.S. Only 21 more cards to go before the fun begins.

Bitsy Ionta,

Dixfield